Stress

Topped out
Ready
To tap out
Health becomes
Futile as
The weight of
My
Mind
Falls into
My stomach
And I can
No longer
Breathe.

In. Out.
In. Out.
My anxiety manifests
In the most
Palpable
Of
Forms.
Gasping at O2
Chemoreceptors flaring
Heartbeats 120
Suddenly
Medical school
Has
Become the monster
Of rumors
Whispered
Loudly by
Generations past.

Light.
Air.
Sound.
A friend’s
Voice brings me
Back
And I let
The slow
Tingling
Sensation
Of real life
Permeate
The moments
Ahead.

I will be just fine.


For when the “pancakes” that are medical school lectures stack up. 3. 5. 9. 12.  The impossible is suddenly set in front of you and there seems to be no human way out.

For when you call a friend to calm you down and they tell you exactly what you need to hear.  Breathe. And: You’ll be fine.

For the days afterwards, each one just a little better than the next.  You use so much energy to not want to cry until, gradually, you no longer feel the need to.

After my first medical school panic attack, I was fairly certain I would fail out.  Not completely, because I know who I am and what I used to get me here, but the possibility became all too real.  And that was scary.  It still is.  Each day, I am reminded.

I will be just fine.


 “The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.” 

-J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)

 

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